Ah i think i’m gonna be a bit more CLEAN in how i express my feelings here rather than how i did over at my deviant art account – cause well that’s my … weirdo place to hang out *glares at dev art for being such a weirdo place to hang*.  It’s quite a hard thing to speak about when nobody i am personally related to by blood is effected, but when the families that are affected are related by marriage through your stepfather – and they’ve done nothing LESS than treat you as one of their own….

You kinda have to speak about it.

Being that i have ADHD it does mean that i process emotion way differently, so basically my first few words of “Holy Shit” and “…omfg” and “It’ll be…ok?” are about all i’ve been able to really say.  Needless to say my insides have been curled up, and messed up since we found out about it on tuesday.

We’re still waiting on official information or response from two members of the family – as i haven’t heard much other than Graeme adding me back on facebook.  But since this isn’t just me, it’s a whole load of people – it’s been quite hard to process – really really hard. David and Joy are alright, and so are the rest of the family up there; my friend Ayla who lives with us was in tears at one point from releif and panic when her friend up there couldnt find her mom – lucky for her and her friend they did.  But worse off after this, i just heard her grandfather passed away this morning.  Even if there was record of the family not getting along with him, he’s still family and i swear that is not an easy thing to deal with.

Death in itself is a pain to deal with if it’s family – when that notice comes out at about 6PM our time here in new zealand and people find out it’s their family – it’s going to be hell.  People would’ve just spoken to these people within a day of the quake – it’s not just the thought of death or that it’s the quake that makes it hard.  It’s the regret that we didn’t do something we should have with said loved one or family member – i know this feeling.

My Grandmother passed away last september, she just turned 90- it was really hard for me to process because as close as i was to her, we went through mental and verbal abuse from her.  As proud of her, and as much as i loved her not JUST as a human being, but as her granddaughter – there were many times i said things behind the curtain i should never have even thought.   As many times as my mother has had near death issues with health – the last time she was in for cellulitis (Mind you not death defying) i was bawling my eyes out when we left to go home to eat dinner and watch tv.  I’m a sook , like my dog Jack – a big ass sook LOL.

When it comes to money? Death has a real problem when it’s a disaster, i’d got my student course related costs like tuesday morning, and i swear i couldn’t bear the thought of donating any less than my course related costs… But we all know as human beings we have to survive, and we have to live and learn…. xX;; but it’s the little things like that which have been eating at me since tuesday night. I’ve been TRYING to not be self depricating and throw my credit card at redcross and donate a hundred or two more – it wouldn’t be as selfless as people would have wanted to think it would be. It’d be me just plain getting in a tizzy and removing myself from the allowance of this money the government gladly gives me for books.

So i did donate, pawprints got a $3 text donation from me and Redcross got a 25$ donation from me.

However donations always come with some freaking scam – and always that the media reports these scams incorrectly.  As you will notice on my old domain, http://www.osharecurry.com i’ve posted the Donate4CharityNZ scam information.  I am of course not the only one who’s reported this to TVNZ, STuff and the NZ Govt…. but frankly, i’m appalled at the media for never mentioning that Venturian media is a company that loses out from this, they aren’t a direct charity but work with direct charities on behalf and have a central website with offers on how to give and such to them.  They’re normally based in the UK, and Neil is the contact i was dealing with and he seems quite taken aback by the idiot who bothered to make this scam up.

Don’t you think that as a nation people would be up in arms by someone thinking up something like this? Nigerian bank scams aside, this guy actually said in his email to several people “In return for your help you’ll be paid out 10% of each donation received” aka, employed in a scam to gather money. But i would think that humanity is quite stupid somedays and there’s sadly a few that replied to the guy and may have fallen for it.

There’s just so much in life that’s left unanswered.

There’s just so much stupidity that we can’t fix – so much that at the end of the day if we’re still alive – we just have to unfortunately shrug most of it off.

This year when i’m off to my 2nd year at university, i’m going to attempt (no promises sadly as there’s always something in the way of my stopping my own distractions LOL) to be in more ability to put effort in to my classwork.  I dont have Japanese again til 2nd semester, but that’s because I failed JAPA132 last year.

I bought Nakama 1 pack – and am going to work with my Lecturer off and on to prepare for that part of the year.

I’m also studying Social work papers as a minor – Human Services, so i’ll have more of a career direction – but someone told me something today..

so here’s my ADHD and why i’m returning to COMPLAINING ABOUT NZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“We don’t really study for a career, we just study to study.”

…………….no wonder people aren’t getting jobs with their degrees! 😀 🙂

Also, to end my ranting and raving and stuff – i’m going to leave my lack of readers and friends and family with this i found on Harmony’s wall on facebook:

Roses are red the chalice is blue,
The cathedral has fallen many buildings have too,
You can rattle our bones, you can rip streets apart,
But you will never defeat our red and black hearts,
For we are cantabrians new zealanders and together we know,
………………We stand tall together, through anything we regrow.

Add to your wall to remember those who have fallen and to remind us all to stand tall. 22/02/2011

I’m not a cantabrian shut up i’m american, i live in dunedin – we are uhm just as caring THANK YOU XD.

Here’s the general nz one i’ve redone 😀

Roses are red the sky is quite blue,
The cathedral has fallen many buildings have too,
You can rattle our bones, you can rip streets apart,
But you will never defeat our white and black hearts,
For we are New Zealanders and together we know,
………………We stand tall together, through anything we regrow.

Add to your wall to remember those who have fallen and to remind us all to stand tall. 22/02/2011


And good luck to all of you on finding your loved ones.